Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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