tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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