Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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