my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
