at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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