She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
