I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
