If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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