Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
