Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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