i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
