so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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