I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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