You just made me feel so damn special
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
