if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
