I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
