..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
