Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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