I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
