Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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