got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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