i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
