If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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