I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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