hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Congratulations! We have a period
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