omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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