He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
