I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I need moral support for this bender
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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