There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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