the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
