You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
