I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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