I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
my poor anus
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