I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
