After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
