chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
