Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
