I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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