She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
it's great music for shaving your balls
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
