i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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