just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
