it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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