I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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