I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
