YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize