I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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