Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize