i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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