I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
