After last night, I could never be a politician.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
