whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
