nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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