I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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