What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
