my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize