Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
