so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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