mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
