ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize