so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
