i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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