i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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