all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
