I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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