My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
