I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
