my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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