If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i've created a new STD.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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