How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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