I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
