i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
