Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
