i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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