just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
